REdiculous Ebil 2
by EchoCIDE
Summary: A town overrun by zombies; a rookie police officer in a bikini cutout; a girl on the search for her brother on her Barbie bike.  Throw in some Sir Mix-a-Lot and you got yourself another RE Parody. R&R? Maybe?
1. The Police Station

RE-diculous Ebil 2

Part One; The Police Station

* * *

><p>"So I said to the guy, 'Rectum? Damn near killed him!'"<p>

Claire Redfield, who had just recently rolled into town on her bike-it was a Barbie bike with a pink basket and streamers, just to clarify-stood in front of a group of what appeared to be zombies who were standing by a water cooler. Her eyebrow twitched and a vein throbbed from her temple.

Finally one of the zombies noticed that she was standing there and did a double take.

"Oh-shit...umm...Rawr! Mmmmmm brains!" The rest of the zombies soon followed suit, and began to stumble towards her, with a few well placed shots she took them out.

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE! YOU OTHER BROTHERS CAN'T DENY! WHEN A GIRL WALKS IN WITH A ITTY BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YO FACE YOU GET-" Claire's eyebrow twitched as a jeep rolled up, blaring music loudly in what seemed like the most inappropriate place for that. A man with brown hair hopped out and and she squealed at the top of her lungs with excitement.

"Ohmigawd! You're Leonardo DiCaprio! I am such a huge fan!" The man looked at her as if she had grown a second head.

"Uhh...No, lady, my name is Leon Kennedy. I just got here. What's umm...going on around here?"

"Just some really bad workplace jokes." Claire pointed over to the water cooler, "Oh and apparently the city has been overrun with zombies. Can I have your autograph?"

Leon suddenly felt the urge to smack himself in the face but he pushed it aside, "Come on, we need to get to the police station, it's safer there."

"How do you know that?"

"How do I know what?"

"That it's safer in the police station. How would you know that if you just got here? Seems kind of forward of you to think so..." She adjusted her pink barbie helmet and took a sip of the water from the matching water bottle.

"Well...it's a police station, it just kind of makes sense. Are you coming or not?" He turned to move and so did she, abandoning her helmet but she kept the water bottle. Lucky for her the little girl she had "borrowed" it from didn't need it anymore. She followed after him.

_In the police station..._

Leon fired off at least five shots with his shotgun as Claire chided him.

"'Oh I'm Leon! I know everything! Come on, Claire, let's go to the police station where it's not only _not_ safer, but there are hidden doors and creatures with really long tongues trying to swallow you whole.' Nice one, Einstein."

"Now's not the time! We have to get downstairs to the basement!" Leon yelled, blowing through another section of zombies.

Finally they made it to a long section of hallways upstairs.

"You just said we needed to go downst-"

"I KNOW WHAT I SAID!" Leon was freaking out...man.

"Geez...talk about your fussy celebrities."

As soon as they turned around the last corner a large rumble shook the building and suddenly the entire ceiling caved in. A large man-like thing crashed through, his skin was as grey as his trenchcoat and Claire walked up to him.

"Grey on grey? Neutrals are so 1997, you need some color to those cheeks. I think I have some blush around here." The creature sweatdropped as she searched her pockets for her compact only to find Leon applying the makeup and making kissy faces in the window.

_Minutes later..._

"I don't think he likes Summer Peach!" Claire screamed as the two bolted down the hall away from the giant, "But it looks great on you."

Leon's face lit up as they rounded another corner, "You think so? I really took a gamble on the color but I think-ARGH!" He ducked as Mr. X threw a punch in his direction, and they tossed open a door and flew through it, taking refuge behind one of those cutout posters with the face missing.

"I think we lost him." Claire said and Leon nodded.

"Hey Claire?"

"Yeah?"

"Does this bikini make me look fat?"


	2. The STARS Office

RE-diculous Ebil 2

Part Two; S.T.A.R.S Office

* * *

><p>.<p>

"Somewhere...in the depths of time and space, only two will go to where no man has gone before! Only two will survive! Only two will make it out alive!" A series of strange sound effects sounded before Claire kicked her foot right into Leon's back.

"What are you doing?" She attempted to look around him but he hid the items in his hands, her eyes narrowed, "Are you playing with dolls?"

"No! They're action figures!" He turned around quickly, tossing the "action figures" into the drawer of the desk he had found them in.

"Dolls." Claire smirked and put her hands on her hips proudly.

"They are action figures! I found them in-" He looked at the nameplate on the desk for what seemed like several minutes, his face contorting strangely as he tried to read the name, "Kirrs...Red...fil-edd's desk."

Claire looked at him like he was a zombie, "Kirrs Redfiled?" Suddenly it clicked and her eyes widened, "Chris Redfield! That's my brother's desk!" She pulled open the drawer and removed a blue journal book and opened it to the first page and read aloud.

_"_Dear Diary, Today we went on a stake out, and Captain was checking out Jill's butt like the WHOLE time. It was totally uncool, dude. That's my lady and he knows it. He better be careful or I'm going to steal his action figures-"

"Told you," Leon beamed proudly and Claire merely flipped through the entries until she came to the most recent one. At first all it did was rabble on about Jill and a daydream he had about being naked on his desk when he walked in but finally it got to something important.

"It's says he's run off to Europe to find Umbrella." She said, closing the book. Leon looked confused.

"Why does he need to go there to find an umbrella? What's wrong with American umbrellas? Is he an umbrella terrorist?" Claire rolled her eyes at him.

"Could you get any more stupid?" She asked, searching the desk for other items of interest.

"I don't know. Do you have any weed?"

Claire ignored him and finally she found a grenade launcher in the cabinet and a photo of a blonde man with a party hat on who was surrounded by the rest of the STARS members at Chuck E Cheese.

_Somewhere in an undisclosed location..._

"Sir! I have terrible news!" A man dressed in tactical gear ran into a large office and presented himself in front of a man in black with blonde hair and sunglasses.

"What is it HUNK?" He asked, straightening his sunglasses.

"You know that photo of you at Chuck E Cheese on your birthday? The one you said that no one was ever supposed to see? It's missing!"

...

...

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

_Back at Raccoon..._

"Hey," Leon looked up, "Did you hear that?"

Claire shook her head and reloaded the grenade launcher, "No. Hey isn't there a cheat code where you can get like 255 grenade rounds if you do something with the box?"

"Nah that's just on the REmake. They didn't make anything like that for this game."

"Damn. Alright, we have to get out of here before Mr. Prissy Pants comes back." She declared making her way to the door. Leon looked indignant.

"Hey! I thought Mr. Prissy Pants was my nickname!" He put his hands on his hips.

"No, your name is Senor Dislocated Shoulder."

"That's a stupid name, why would-ARGHHHHH!" Suddenly she twisted his arm behind his back, and he was on the ground struggling.

"SAY UNCLE!" She cried out, laughing.

"Uncle! Uncle!"

Somewhere downstairs Mr. X heard the commotion and-in the middle of a slapping his hand to his face- briefly wondered if instead of trying to kill them he should be trying to kill himself.

_A/N: I just write the weirdness as it comes haha. 2 reviews already! Awesome! Thanks guys!_


	3. The Food Court

RE-diculous Ebil 2

Part Three; The Food Court?

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><p>Claire and Leon managed to escape the grasp of Mr. X once more but only found themselves compounded with even more of a problem; Claire really had to pee.<p>

"Just go behind that bush," Leon pointed out and Claire's head snapped in his direction.

"That's not a bush, you moron! That's a little girl!" Indeed there was a little girl standing against a wall, the look on her face was pure fright. Claire approached her slowly, trying not to scare her even more than necessary but the kid ran off in the other direction, right past a sign that read:

**DO NOT ENTER! Seriously, there are zombies and other scary creatures this way. Not suitable for little girls who are trying to find their parents, or people with heart conditions.**

"Leon, we have to go after her! But first...I need to find a bathroom." Just as she was looking around she came across a door that was labeled as a bathroom. She told Leon to wait for her and swung open the door and entered a stall. As she relieved herself a thump came at the stall door. Damn pushy people...couldn't they wait their turn like everyone else? The thump came again only this time more frantic.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm done, hold your horses! A girl can't even pee without all of these ridiculous interruptions," She got up and flushed. Opening the door a zombie fell through past her with a disgusted look on it's face.

"Yeah. That smell, that was _all_ me, buddy. Think about that next time you decide to be impatient."

Outside Leon was busy spraying his name on the wall with a can of first-aid spray.

"Leon, you idiot! That was our last can!" Claire ripped it from his hands and put it back in her side pack, trying to salvage whatever was left, "You do realize that once it dries no one will be able to see it, right?"

"I was just trying to be cool." He pouted.

"Nevermind that! We have to find that girl. Which way did she go, Leon?...Leon?" She turned to look for him but he was gone, having ran off in the opposite direction. Claire sighed and continued on down the path that she was certain the little girl had gone. She shot a few zombies, killed a few lickers, saw a few paintings and stopped by the food court on the way.

Apparently the only food vendor that was still even up and around was a big dude in a grey coat with a little white paper hat. Something about him looked familiar...but she couldn't place it. So instead of placing that, she placed her order instead.

"Hi! I want a double cheeseburger with everything on it, two large fries, a slice of chocolate pie, an extra large strawberry shake and umm..." The "food" guy's eyes opened wide as she overlooked the menu again, "A diet coke and a small salad. Trying to watch my figure. Say, do I know you from somewhere?"

He had to resist the urge to blast himself in the head with the pistol that she had placed on the counter. Oblivious to her soon to be demise, she kept on running that infernal mouth.

"Have you ever been to the roller disco on 93rd Street?" He said nothing, merely giving her a glare, "No? Do you know Kim Rollins? I heard," She leaned in closely, "That she's a guy."

"OH FOR WESKER'S SAKE!" He cried out, and hopped over the counter. He swung an arm in her direction but she had already turned.

"Ooh a penny!" Completely oblivious to the attempted assault on her head, she ducked down in time for him to miss and swooped up the penny. He lost his footing and fell, falling directly into the floor with an 'oomph!'.

A beep came from her radio, "Leon?"

_"Claire! I found the bu- I mean the little girl. She won't get away this time! I set a clever road block in the hall." _ A girly scream punctuated his sentence, _"Uh...Claire..I gotta go. Apparently spike strips dont do the same thing to little girls as they do cars. Text ya later!"_

"Well, creepy food guy, I gotta run." His eyes widened in shock as she started walking away. Claire stopped and ran back, "I'm just gonna...take this to go." Holding the slice of pie close to her chest she left Mr. X in the dark once again.

"I really need a new day job."

Soon enough she located Leon who was standing in a corner saying, "Ada, wait." repeatedly to a wall.

"What are you doing?" Her voice snapped him out of it and he turned to her, confused.

"I don't know, it just felt right. Did you find that girl?"

Claire's mouth dropped, "What do you mean 'did you find that girl'? You said you found her!"

"When did I say that?" He kissed the wall.

"Like..."She checked her watch, "Five minutes ago, when you called me on the radio."

"Ohhhhh. Yeah that was another girl though."

"There's ANOTHER girl!"

"No. Are you going to eat that?"

While it would be easier to simply shoot Leon in the head and end the headache that he was causing her, she knew she couldn't. She had signed a contract after all. Instead she tossed her pie at him, and somehow he caught it. They moved on, walking a little bit longer before coming across a parking garage. A fiendish looking dog with rotten flesh and half of it's brain exposed began to run in their direction.

"Oooh!" Leon exclaimed, "A puppy, here boy!" He bent down to clap on his knees, "I'm going to call you Mr. Nibbles. Who's a good boy? You're a good boy, Mr. Nibbles!" In a flash Mr. Nibbles fell to the ground, the four bullets that Claire put in his head ensured that Mr. Nibbles would not live to play fetch another day. Leon turned to her, looking distraught.

"Oh stop looking at me like that. You look like someone just shot your dog."

"..."

All cheesy puns aside, his attention had been deflected to several gunshots coming from the back of the parking lot. A very attractive woman of Asian descent had just killed two more infected dogs and Leon and Claire made their way over to her.

"Who are you?" Claire asked, eyeing the woman skeptically.

"Yeah, who _are _you?" Leon chimed in, eyeing the woman pervertedly. He blew a few kisses in her direction and the woman ignored him.

"Ada. Ada Wong." She bent down to adjust her shoe, "Say, do you know a guy named Ben Bertolucci? He knows some things."

"What kind of things?" Claire responded.

"Does he know how to make s'mores? I love s'mores!" Leon cried out excitedly. Ada turned to Claire.

"Is your friend retarded? He seems like he needs some help...and a helmet."

"He has...special needs. Are you going to answer my question?"

"Right...Ben has some information on what's going on around here. I need to find him before something terrible happens."

"You heard the workplace jokes?" Claire shuddered.

"They were terrible. That's nothing compared to what might happen if I don't find that information." Ada looked serious.

"You mean-"

"Yes. Casual Fridays."

"We can't let that happen!" Leon said, turning back to the conversation, "Casual Fridays would be detrimental to the business as a whole, our professional attitude could go south and our employees could begin to slack in their work and our stocks will plummet!"

Ada's eye twitched, "Did he just-?"

"Yeah he has his moments. Come on! We need to find that Ben guy."

"Wait for me," Leon called out, "I need to get Mr. Nibbles."

Leon looped a rope around the dead dog's neck and dragged him along behind the two women.

Unbeknownst to them, a dark shadow lingered in the corner.

"I will get my photograph back, _Claire Redfield_. And when I do you will feel the wrath of-" A catchy tune signaled the ring of his cell phone.

_**CALIFORNIA GIRLS! WE'RE UNFORGETTABLE, DAISY DUKES, BIKINIS ON TOP! SUN KISSED SKIN SO HOT WE'LL MELT YOUR POPSICLE!**_

"What? I told you not to disturb me when I am having an evil monologue!" He hissed into the phone.

_"Sir," _HUNK's voice came over the speaker, _"We were just about to get lunch. You want anything?"_

...

"Well...yes...I'll have cobb salad, bleu cheese dressing and a sprite."

_"Do you want a cherry in your Sprite?"_

"Of course I want a cherry! Now leave me to my business!" He hung up and resumed his evil monologue.

"And when I do you will feel the wrath of Albert Wesker-"

_**CALIFORNIA GIRLS! WE'RE-**_

"WHAT NOW!"

_"Sir, they're all out of bleu cheese dressing."_

...

...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


End file.
